...I'm waiting for you, my love...

You will be a miracle with every breath you take…
And you will be within my heart every single day…
For in the seconds when you were so tiny and so new…
How could I have ever known how much I’d love you?

My heart was not prepared for all the feelings that arrived…
In the moment when I first gazed upon your smile…
My precious little darling you mean all my life and more…
And no matter how long it is you are what I live for…

Starting now this very moment my life begins anew…
Only now I know that all my life has been preparing me for you…
Before I gave each day the least amount of energy that I could…
I guess I knew that some sweet day I’d act the way I should…

I just never knew that all one’s life could suddenly…
Go from nothing special to one that’s like a dream…
Your tiny little hands and your whispers sung so sweet…
Have guided this childlike girl to the woman she should be…

You’ve only been here for a moment and yet I already know…
All the gifts, both great and small, that life has got to show…
There’s nothing more that I could want but your smile everyday…
And nowhere else I’ll ever be than where your head will lay…

My tiny little wonder it’s such a miracle you’re here…
And I’ll spend every day making sure that’s all you ever hear…
Even when we disagree as certainly we‘ll do…
Your smile shall be what breaks apart the walls between me and you…

So with these words I hope in time you may come find…
Something in your life that makes your world as bright as mine…
But, my love, there is little else on this earth…
That teaches us about anything than the miracle of birth…

The stars above are dancing for the ones they love...
We watch silent and still...
If I were a star I'd be dancing for you, my love...
I love you darling, always will...

I've no talent to display...
Or poetic words to sing...
Only the gentle heart at bay...
Wanting to say this beautiful thing...

We've walked along the sandy shores...
For years, now, so it seems...
And like the waves the crash and roar...
My love returns like the sea...

I've no song to sing, no pride left to lose...
Nor a way to truly show...
This which I am bound to prove...
That you will always know...

I walk with your hand just slightly out of reach...
Holding breaths between each touch...
With so little holding us together, like the stars or the beach...
It wonders the heavens how I love you so much...

I have no voice to lay on the wind...
And no tools with which to carve...
The simple words lying within...
Or the impression on my heart...

So I let your hand remain just beyond my own...
Till the moment you wrap your fingers up in mine...
And once again I am sated and at home...
As the dancing stars above began to shine...

I have a song that can't be sung...
My voice can't carry it alone...
So my heart sends out a gentle hum...
And yours returns it where it belongs...

Music Survey

It seems to me there are always far too many people depending on the opinions and views of others. In my own small, insignificant view this seems to be the most ignorant way to live your life. Why do you wait around for someone else to tell you what you're doing is right? Or what you're doing...period? Why not take a stand and man (or woman) up and take control of the things in your life that you always have complete control over? I can't live my life based around or on the views of other people. 90% of the things I do are things people either wouldn't ever dare to do or are things most people don't want to deal with. I do them because that's simply my style. When no one else wants to stand up and be the first one to say something was bad, I'm there. If you need someone to tell your best friend they look fat in an outfit, I'm your girl. However...If you want someone to pussyfoot around and give false hope or pretend to feel something when in actuality they feel nothing...please leave me alone. I can't be the person so many people seem to look at me to be. Now, I'm not trying to make myself sound important, though I'm sure that is what you're thinking. But it's as if everyone I know, some more than others, look to me to portray this certain character constantly. And when my mood changes or I change it throws them into disarray. Others seem to hold out and wait for what I will say before they voice their own opinion. And then you have some who seem to read way too much into things that really mean nothing at all and take from them mixed signals and information when the truth is plain to see...I say what I mean. Is that concept truly that difficult to grasp?

I'M NOT GOING TO SAY SOMETHING I DON'T MEAN NOR WILL I EVER LIE TO PREVENT HURT FEELINGS. I'D RATHER HURT YOU WITH THE TRUTH UP FRONT THAN DESTROY OUR FRIENDSHIP WITH A LIE IN THE END.

Oh, god...I just needed to rant...my apologies...Hope everyone has a lovely evening...or...whatever...

In recent weeks I've been dealing with some, shall we say, difficult
issues within myself. I've been trying to remind myself what it is that
I'm trying to accomplish with and for myself by cutting myself off from
certain physical, and albeit, fun exercises. But lately it's become
this giant weight that presses down feverishly on what feels like my
entire being to the point where there are moments when it seems partial
spontaneous combustion would be more pleasant. And these times are when
I'm at my weakest moment. Now, by weak, do I mean succombing to these
thoughts and so on? No, of course not. It's not easy sometimes...but
honestly, what opportunity do I have to just act on them where there
would be no ackwardness or belated feelings of guilt? Those are rare at
any given time...let alone one so delicate a moment as to find me ready
to just throw caution to the wind...(despite the lack of power I have
in my arm.) In any case, but especially this one, these moments perform
a specific purpose...figuring out whether or not it's to drive me
insane tends to be the most difficult issue to comprehend. I don't want
to be one of those people who just does whatever without any thought of
what tomorrow brings. But at the same time there are moments when that
sounds so appealing my mind actually slips into an almost dream-like
state of what it would be like...to just be free. Then I think about
all the things that would be free...not only for me but from me
as well...and that's what I can't live with. I hold certain things in
too high a regard for them to just be handed out to every person who
winks at me. (Although, in recent weeks there have been a few winks
I've enjoyed more than others...ah, to long for what we cannot have.
Such a terrible wonder...) And for this reason alone I'm left standing
here holding onto this gigantic weight that cannot be lifted any other
way. So what am I to do? I can hold out hope that soon I might find
someone who is worth waiting for...or I can just allow myself to be
swept up in some sort of frolic or festivities (such as tomorrow or the
next Molly Ringwalds concert) and give in to the first person who buys
me drink...but what if there's nothing behind it? What if there's no
sparks? No...anything!? Oh, man...see!? There I go again...who am I
kidding? I can't just let myself go. I'll always need something more
than what I think I'm being offered. I fucking hate my head...she and I
never get along in these types of circumstances. And my heart...oh!
That's a bitch that reserves an entire page to define...

This weekend was much better than the last one...

ALL 5 of my teams won!

Auburn...

FSU...

The Saints...

The Cubs..

AND...

The Bears...!

It was a joyous weekend of victories for me!!!

Evie waited for a response from Patrick as he shifted his weight back and forth obviously trying to swallow the news he'd just been delivered. She took her eyes off him for a moment and glanced over at Brendon. She could see him impatiently trying to decide on whether or not to speak and she shot him a stern look telling him to keep quiet. As she looked back at Patrick she could see his face growing red and his neck growing tense.

"So...you mean to tell me...that...what the fuck, man?" he said as he slwoly sat down on the couch behind him.

Evie crossed the room and came to rest beside him. She looked at her feet for a few moments as she struggled to find the words and the courage with which to speak them. As she shifted towards Patrick he pulled away from her and slid himself off the end of the couch.

"Please, don't...just don't get next to me right now, ok? I just...I don't even want to be in the same room with the two of you. I mean, Jesus, I feel like such an idiot right now. I mean, here I've been wondering why I hadn't heard from you all this time...thinking that you'd just been busy and that I'd get to surprise you and things would be happy and...all this time you've been with him? Have you slept with him!?" Patrick asked as he paced the length of the room.

Evie's eyes darted to Patrick.

"No, Patrick. We haven't slept together. Believe me...we haven't done that. It's been hard for both of us to get over the feeling of hurting you. But it's just not something that's easy to fight when we're this close to one another all the time. I mean, I don't know...maybe if I'd never come on this tour..." Evie trailed off as she realized what she was saying. Maybe...if she hadn't come on this tour...she would be with Patrick? Or would she still be thinking of Brendon? She lifted her eyes to Brendon and was crushed by his expression.

"You mean to tell me that if you hadn't come on this tour you wouldn't love me?" he asked.

Evie had nothing left to say.

"I-I-I don't know what to say, Brendon. I can't say anything about the 'what ifs'...can you?" she replied.

Brendon looked away as a tear fell down his cheek.

"I don't know what to say to that...I mean, I thought about you everyday...and when I saw you with Patrick it was like a dream had just become a reality..."

"...Oh man. Don't do this in front of me! Seriously!? It's not like this isn't fucking hard enough to take...now you're going to start breaking it down with me standing right here!? Fuck this...I'm out of here." Patrick interrupted as he turned to leave.

Evie stood up quickly and grabbed his hand.

"Patrick, please. I'm sorry. I...I really want to talk about this. I don't want it to just be left like this. I can't bare the thought of hurting you and letting you leave without knowing that you and Brendon are at least on the same page. Can we please...just sit down?"

Patrick pulled back and tried to find some form of resistence in himself but the only thing that he found was the desire to stay...to be next to her.

"Fine." he said abruptly as he crossed the room and sat down on the floor.

Evie watched him with sad eyes and longed for anything to show her that this was all jsut a bad dream...but it never came. She realized that in this moment she would have to deal with a situation she'd long been avoiding. She had thought about the moment when this news would come to light...but she had silently prayed that it would come once she was gone. Perhaps, in a cruel way, she had hoped to escape this particular discomfort by leaving both of them behind as mere memories of this experience.

As all of these thoughts clouded her mind her eyes lept from Patrick to Brendon...then back to Patrick...and once more back to Brendon. Her heart raced as she cleared her throat and attempted to raise her voice to an audible sound.

Brendon's face was still showing the hurt he'd felt from her outburst. Did she really love him? Or was it simply a fleeting romance that would end with the last days of this tour?

Evie searched herself for a way to begin...

"Ok...um..."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Very short, I know. And it's not like it hasn't taken me...oh I'd say at least 4 months to get back to this...but I've been without internet for most of that time and I've just had ZERO time to really invest into this story. I'm going to try to finish it though so if you're reading it I hope you're patient enough to wait. I really am almost done!!!

Pretty and young, she's perfectly portioned...

I can see how she's what you want...

But what of the long run, my dear friend?

When what you want is no longer what you flaunt?

(I can see what she gives to you,

 I can see what it is you get...

 But what of the things it lacks?

 What of what you forget?)

I waited to see how long it'd be...

I wanted to know if you cared...

But she's the thing you chased...

Guess I wasn't really prepared...

(I can see what it is inside you,

 That she can't figure out...

 It's what I always loved the most...

 And what you forgot all about...)

It's only a moment for me now...

Even though our friendship is through...

I can't wait around forever...

Knowing that she has you...

(I can see what it is me,

 That you could never understand...

 I'm just sorry you've been decieved...

 You're not even close to a real man...)

(A/N: It turned out to sound more like a relationship gone wrong...but it's actually about a friendship that died. Just to clear up any misunderstandings...)

If you live the rest of your life in uncertainty...
Questioning all and knowing only doubt...
Feel safe and at home in me...
Knowing with my love you have nothing to worry about...

Feeling lost and dazed as usual...

Barely keeping my mind awake...

Thinking back to the times...

Just one memory is all it takes...

Then I see our light, our shining moment...

Our one chance for love to hold onto this life...

Slips away, charging back in time...

Seeing my whole life playing in rewind...

Knowing where it starts, seeing how it ends...

I can't take the breaking down again...

Moving on, moving slow...

Making this decision...

I'm letting go...

Frightened by the loss of it...

Hardly remembering myself...

No more giving everything...

I'm giving up on all, even myself...

Changing what I can, forcing it to come...

This one chance for life to lead me home...

Slips away, charging back in time...

Seeing my whole life playing in rewind...

Knowing where it starts, seeing how it ends...

I can't take the breaking down again...

Moving on, moving slow...

Making this decision...

I'm letting go...

Knowing where it starts...

Ending with my broken heart...

I can't take it anymore...

Moving on...

Moving slow...

Becoming me...

I'm letting...go...

This moment now...what we have is all we know...

Waiting for choices to determine our traces back to reality...

Facing down the skies that storm when we are fearful...

Lying in silence til the moment comes...

(In dark we can see through...

Only there is it as beautiful...

The distance seems shorter...

Between the pieces of light...)

What you see...everything you can touch...

Slips away as you walk farther into the hidden reaches...

Voices fade and clear to show you the one which is yours...

Can you hold it between the distant screams?

(Only one true calling bleeds into us all...

The chance to live our lives as we intend...

Turn around and accept what is yours...

Connect the pieces of light...)

Will you believe in what you see?

Or leap across the void of unknown...

If knocked to your knees...

Will you submit to defeat?

(Soaring high on wings of purpose...

Your light shines brighter in the wake of dying stars...

Opening your heart closes the distance...

So the scattered pieces of light don't seem as far...)

Life...it isn't fair, it isn't right, it isn't beautiful...yet...it's perfect in the simplest of forms...

Birth, love, death...

Renewal of the spirit...coming to one as young as an eleven year old girl who watched her parents die a slow and painful death before her at the hands of a heartless drain on society as she drives a knife deeper and deeper into his hollow chamber where a beating heart should lie...

...or to an 87 year old man who is lying on his deathbed thinking he has nothing left...believing that god forgot about him when he sees the love of his life standing in front of him as he takes his last breath...

When do we become ourselves?

Melodies of life...harmoniously blend reality with the dreams of all those silly enough to believe in them...

He doesn't see what I see when I'm looking in his eyes...
A heart & soul & love as big as the morning & night skies...
He gives so much to make me smile & holds me safe and close...
I never have to say a word...somehow he always knows...

Everything he says and all that he can do...
Is everything I need and all I want too...
It's like his heart speaks to mine to find out what I feel...
It's hard to believe he's with me & anything is real...

I look at him & find the answers to questions in my heart...
With no words he does it all even when we're apart...
I love his touch & need his kiss to fall asleep at night...
Without his arms holding me I cannot feel alright...

Everything he says and all that he can do..
Is everything I need and all I want too...
It's like his heart speaks to mine to find out what I feel...
It's hard to believe he's with my & anything is real...

Don't go away my darling...please stay with me always...
I want you by my side...never going seperate ways...

Hey you...
Standing next to me in my dreams...
Hey you...
Close enough at times to touch it seems...

I can't close my eyes...without your face filling darkness with light...

You are my endless smile...
You are the hope in my heart...
Your love is my castle...
Bringing joy to me 1,000 miles apart...
Hey you...

Hey you...
Reaching in my mind to find my desires...
Hey you...
Keeping lit in darkness my heart's fire...

You give me strength and take away pain...I know no fear when I whisper your name...

You are my miracle...
You are my storm...
You are my passion...
You are my warmth...
Hey you...

I will love you til the day I draw my last breath...the thought of ever losing you scares me to death...I can't walk away from the arms you offer me...I will fall forever into them safely...

If life were less like what it is and more like what I imagine it would be without you...who would I be?
Were my life something more like a movie or what I've dreamt it could be... who would I be?
Are you the only thing in my life that determines who I am?
It seems only through you can I be what I try to acheive...
So who would I be if you were gone?
Who would I become if you were to leave?

You can't believe the hurt of watching others as they fall...
Until you've been the one to stand witness to it all...
Life seems so easy when no one loving hurts...
but without the pain of loss how do we know what life is worth?
You lost your mom, she lost her love, is that how it seems?
If it's not you with the loss how can you even imagine?
She's not far away, he'll be there by your side...
Do you remember the last time your heart cried?
I read a poem about the loss of a mother...
Something true and from the heart unlike any other...
That touching verse brought feelings of my own...
Of the day I write the same thing and face the world alone...
It doesn't stop when life leaves someone...
Just lets us know we don't know when our time is done...
So don't over look when you see a solemn face...
You never know when it'll be you in that place...

The days I lived in fear...
Were so lonely and cold...
When you call my heart falls...
I look in the mirror and see nothing of you...

She gave my eyes the brown and my hair the blonde...
She held me when my heart broke or my eyes cried...
I tried to remember what you gave me...
But I can't seem to find any memories with which you are tied...

Inside she shines through...
My faults are hers too...
My laughter, voice, and all my flaws...
Are echoes of her every whim...

You turned your back when my life was in the dark...
You took your hands when I started to fall...
I stood on my own when I needed to lean on you...
Though it hurt so much I kept standing through it all...

Can the years we missed be erased with words or will they remain the memories that hardened my heart?
Is it worth the price I pay to keep it locked deep down inside or will it tear into to me and break me apart?

I stand on my own because it's what must be done...
She kept me strong when my light grew weak...
You were never there when the pain was breaking through...
You were just the thing I tried to escape...

He's married now...

And he lives in Florida...

Current mood: contemplative

So, just a little bit ago...

I was being nosy on a friends Facebook page...you know, looking at pictures and such...looking back in time to a better place in my life...

And, as per usual, out of nowhere...there he was...

Now, it's not always him...but it's always someone...

It's like just as soon as I feel healthy and happy and settled in myself an old feeling comes back and throws things back into disarray. 

I mean, it's not like we'd EVER work out...no matter how many times I've wished for it or how much either of us changed...but it doesn't make me love him any less...and it surely doesn't make the pain I feel when I think about him any easier to deal with...

Then on top of that I was listening to my playlist while goofing off and what song should come on!? LeAnn Rimes' - "Please Remember"...I mean, seriously!?!?

Can't I ever have a nostalgic moment without the soundtrack to really make the tears flow!? Oh, right...of course not! Thank you irony...you sneaky bitch!!!

To quote one of my favorite movies, "But still, sometimes when the wind is warm or the crickets sing. I think of a love that even time will lie down and be still for...I don't know...maybe I've had my happiness...there is no man, Gilly...only that moon..."

"Please Remember"

Time, sometimes the time just slips away...
And your left with yesterday...
Left with the memories...
I, I'll always think of you and smile...
And be happy for the time...
I had you with me...
Though we go our seperate ways...
I won't forget so don't forget...
The memories we made...

Please remember, please remember...
I was there for you...
And you were there for me...
Please remember, our time together...
The time was yours and mine...
While we were wild and free...
Please remember, please remember me...

Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say...
And it's sad to walk away...
With just the memories...
Who's to know what might have been...
We'll leave behind a life and time...
We'll never know again...

Please remember, please remember...
I was there for you...
And you were there for me...
And remember, please remember me...

Please remember, please remember...
I was there for you...
And you were there for me...
Please remember, our time together...
The time was yours and mine...
While we were wild and free...
Then remember, please remember me...

And how we laugh and how we smile...
And how this world was yours and mine...
And how a dream was out of reach...
I stood by you, you stood by me...
We took each day and made it shine...
We wrote our names across the sky...
We ride so fast, we ride so free...
I had you and you had me...

So, as some may know, I'm a bit of a football fan. My team (Auburn! WAR EAGLE!!!) played LSU tonight. I knew going into it that we were going to have our work cut out for us seeing as how the last few years we've had a lot of trouble taking them down...what I did not know was that they were going to do the SAME THING this year that they did last year...

First half of the game: our defense is just unbreakable. LSU couldn't gain a yard to save their life.

But once again, and I say that because they did the SAME THING last year, in the second half Auburn let their guard down and LSU comes back to win.

At least last year we could blame it on bull shit calls on the ref's part...this year...we just dropped the ball...LITERALLY!!!

 

You wanna talk about being pissed off...

 

You don't know about being pissed off until you watch the same team pull the same shit in the same Bowl 2 YEARS IN A ROW!!!

 

Damn near play for fucking play!

 

Oh...I need a drink!

 

Night!

 

~J~

Current mood: blustery Category: Life So, I've been doing some thinking recently. (I tend to have these periods where I think and re-think every aspect of my life and try to re-configure it so that everything that has happened somehow rationalizes out and fits together like pieces of some giant puzzle I fidget with constantly...needless to say, it doesn't work out so well...) Either way, once again I am at an impass. I'm at this place where it's like my mind has all these different dreams and goals swirling around in it like it's so easy to just pop in and out of them...yet I know in reality it's quite difficult to achieve anything I'm focused on. Not because I lack the ability or even the talent to back it up...more like it's just that what I dream about is relatively impossible to get into without having some connections...(or at least a lack of concience that will allow to sleep with enough people to bypass that whole audition/meeting phase...) either of which I do not have. So what do I do? Well, I just keep trucking! That's what I do!!! What do you do? Boo-yah! Bet you thought I was going to say something depressing!!! One of these days someone will read one of my ideas and like what they find... I hope. *fingers crossed* : ) Keep smiling! Loves! ~J~

So many nights I've wondered how life came to be this way for me...and then I remember this one day when I was about twelve...

I had gathered a bunch of flowers into a bouquet for my mom and as I was walking back to my house I slipped on a rock and skinned my knee. I remember feeling the stinging sensation shoot through my entire body as the little trickle of blood slowly ran down my leg...and the warmth of the tears swelling up behind my eyes as I choked back a sob. I remember looking around at my surroundings and realizing that I was completely alone. No one had seen me fall. No one was coming to help me up or to make sure that I was ok. No one was doing anything...and that terrified me. Until I realized that the pain had already started to fade and the tears were already drying on my cheek. I sat on the ground as this sudden revalation bombarded every sense I possessed...and then it hit me. For the rest of my life I was going to have to deal with all the bad things myself. I'd have to handle every cut, every bruise, every scrape, every tear...on my own...and that didn't scare me anymore. I picked myself up, brushed the dirt off my legs, picked up my little bundle of flowers and continued on my way home. I gave my mom the bouquet I'd made for her, went into my room, sat on my bed and let the epiphany I'd just had settle firmly into my memory as something to pull out for reference later.

I forget about that day a lot...

And then I remember it and it's as if I've just had that same epiphany all over again...

It doesn't hurt as much as it should, I think...

But I'm ok with that...